February has been … hard. Not with my little guys. Not with my big guy. Just with my own heart and mind. I’ve been in a daze since February 3rd. It was the day I realized my website had crashed and was gone.
At first, I wasn’t panicked because my hosting company said they backed up my site, as I knew they were supposed to do. Great! But hours and hours of online and phone chats with them later, we realized the only backups they had were after their server crashed. So, every time they offered to “restore” the site, it just showed a new error page. Not great.
Then it hit me. I could not believe what I had dedicated every moment that I wasn’t being a mommy or wife to was gone. I had been building a portfolio of writing through my blog, and was planning to present it to media resources and brands for sponsorships and business opportunities. I had over 100 posts from this past year. Posts that I had worked so hard on, and was so proud of. They were from every aspect of my life … from tears at t-ball and more tears at Kindergarten Round-up (both times it was my tears!), to vacation memories with Jeff, fashion shoots with my baby boy, and a surrogacy timeline that I don’t know if I can recreate.
I KNOW it is not the end of the world. It just stings. A lot.
I have finally gotten over the initial shock; now I’m in “full steam ahead” mode. And I’ve realized this is a personal venture, this is my own hurdle. It’s one of those heartbreaking/soul-searching/adulting-is-hard moments that only I can deal with and resolve.
I know no one will care about your small business, special project, or personal interest as much as you do. It’s a fact. I learned that years ago when I owned a small business. It’s not an intentional or hurtful thing … it’s just a little morsel of life education you come to realize when you want to pour yourself into something, and you don’t mind the time it consumes, and that’s not exactly how others look at it. They want to fill their time with THEIR loves and obsessions. Of course! That’s why it’s YOUR project.
Still, those who love you will love whatever you’re doing, and will give support and encouragement that you didn’t even know you desperately needed. But, when it is your creation, you CARE about every little aspect of it. Others won’t even notice the little hiccups in design, or that you didn’t meet your personal deadline. They’ll be HAPPY for you despite your internal aggravation, despite the stress you put on yourself. And I should let some of that freely-given happy in, even if I feel like Johnny Lawrence just swept my leg. (80’s reference that just aged me, I know.)
So … I’m trying to look at the bright side of having a fresh start. I’ve started to rebuild my site, using some of my posts I was able to find in the vast Internet world, and I’ve changed several design elements along the way. It’s still not where I want it to be, but we’re getting there! I’m also breathing a little more each week. I’m not giving myself crazy writing deadlines that NOBODY cares about but me! Haha! If I get three posts out this week, yay! If I publish only one because my 3-year-old needs more of my attention, so be it.
I will find a way to make this a good thing. Maybe that means rewriting the lost posts and adding more (or less) detail. Maybe that means finding a new voice in my writing. Maybe that means letting each day dictate what happens with my writing career instead of trying to plan months in advance. I don’t know where I go from here. But, I’m going. Thanks for coming along. 🙂
Love (and back up your stuff!) more,